Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Before I begin I should explain, I have this horrible feeling, deep down in the pit of my stomach, that the moment I start saying anything that can be considered as being positive, or nice about MW3, I run the serious risk of tempting the Gods of fate and jinxing myself. I would offer my experience with ‘Black Ops’ as being my point of evidence by which to demonstrate my fears. When that game first came out I was at first sceptical, simply because of Treyarch’s involvement. But, in all honesty, after a while I did learn to love and enjoy it, and for all it’s release date problems, I admired many aspects of it’s style; it’s maps; and it’s general appearance. However, after the hidden ‘tweak‘, which was included with the second map pack, way back in May 2011, everything about the game then turned completely sour for me. That is why now whenever I talk about Black Ops, I develop a nasty taste in mouth and I struggle to speak in coherent sentences that are not constructed exclusively with naughty, four letter words. So, I will repeat my opening statement - I do no want to jinx myself!

Hence, for the benefit of this review, I will express myself in ’code’ IE: 4678 4467 .
I will therefore trust that you possess the analytical, enigmatic, puzzle-solving skills that are required in order for you to break my ingenious, secret cipher. Don’t worry though, because I’m told that if you stare at the numbers long enough my hidden messages suddenly become crystal clear:-

So here goes: Modern Warfare 3, is an utter load of donkey Shite!
2346 2368 2357 3690 (No, it’s not.) 1899 2249

After ‘World at War’ MW3 is the worst Call of Duty game EVER!
2899 3022 3343 (No, that‘s not true.) 2789 8568

Black Ops is a far, far better game.
2388 1172 2278 (No, it’s not.) 8765 2293

All the weapons are rubbish!
398 1266 3342 (No, they’re not! Some of them are Utterly Butterly brilliant.) 3356 7689

The match-making is so terribly imbalanced that it’s virtually impossible to get any kills in this game!
2098 2855 3378 (No, that’s not true either - unless, of course, you’re up against the French - or anyone else with a 30mb plus, internet connection.) 5722 5721

Ruddy, is always made the match host, and because of the inbuilt ‘Host Impedance‘, his game always lags like mad and he constantly suffers because of this. (Actually, that bit is true.) This inbuilt ‘Host Impedance’ was also included within the Black Ops game code - only Treyarch never wanted to admit to deliberately causing ‘Lag’ because of the well known serious latency issues that are inherent within their multiplayer games.

The match making is seriously flawed, and is just as bad as COD 4 and Modern Warfare 2!

2378 9845 3467 (No, that’s not correct. Infinity Ward have finally learned the lessons from party dropping problems and MW3’s multi-player party issues were pretty much fixed within the first two weeks of it‘s release. There is now only the occasional ‘party hitch’, and it is a noticeable improvement by Infinity Ward & Sledgehammer on both COD 4’s and MW2’s match making systems.) 6798 2867.

Modern Warfare 3, lags like a bitch, and it suffers from constant hacking and some players are blatantly using annoyingly unhindered glitches.

4568 8990 4556 (Wrong! Any glitches that haven been discovered, and abused, were immediately reported to Infinity Ward / Sledgehammer / Activision. These ‘issues’ were then repaired, and the perpetrators banned, all within 48 hours of notice. As for the ‘Lag’, well it’s Call of Duty, so what should we expect? And, as everyone knows, until we get dedicated servers the lag problems will always be there. So, in the end, it’s something that we just have to live with.) 3433 7655.

All the maps in MW3 are rubbish, and because of their design, they do nothing to discourage the scourge of COD - the art of Camping!

2388 2667 5678 (Hmm, that’s a 50 / 50 call, being part true and part utter cat frap. Camping in COD has been a large scale practice, by numerous players, for a number reasons. The Maps on Black Ops, or for that matter MW2, are no better, or worse, for curing camping. That said, I do think that Infinity Ward’s & Sledgehammer’s claims that they had taken steps to ‘curb the camping’ is a little misleading. And, with regards to the ‘Campists’, I can not see any differences at all when comparing MW3 to any of the other games in the COD franchise. What might make MW3 seem slightly more annoying though is that sniping seems to be a tad over-powered. So, sadly, it looks as though we’re going to have to live with the fact that on certain maps we are almost certainly going to be taken out by a distant, prone, monkey who’s dressed like a garden shrub.) 2273 3997 8872 1267 2289.

It takes ages to un-lock any decent weapons in MW3!

2287 1452 3456 (Wrong again! It all depends on personal tastes. For example: the G36C is available in the ‘Grenadier Class’ all the way through the game. The same can be said for the 50 cal Barrett, sniper rifle; the UMP 45 and the MK46 - all of which are decent weapons. And, from level 5, the SCAR-L and M4A1 are unlocked and they are both truly awesome!) 26 73 4459.

Modern Warfare 3, does not feel right. The character movement is slow and sluggish. The weapons are weak, and the hit detection, and targeting, are horribly wobbly and askew!

9901 2889 9986 (Nope! The Character movement is bob-on. In fact, if anything, it feels far superior to Black Ops and MW2. I’ve already mentioned the weapons and there is nothing wrong with them. Any targeting and hit detection issues run parallel to the level of ‘lag’ and ‘latency’ experienced during a game. Generally, everything runs as smooth as silk. At the moment I’m in love with the ACR. I’m also sharing in Dr. Pikey’s deep admiration for both the MP7 submachine gun, and the AS50 sniper rifle.) 2345 4478.

The ‘Perks’ and ‘Kill Streaks’ are rubbish! The Death Streaks are a waste of time and there is no character customisation. If anything MW3 feels like MW2 point five, both in the way it plays and it’s general appearance. Technically, because of the lack of innovation, MW3 seems like a step backwards after Black Ops.

4789 8002 5788 (Wrong again! The Perks are a lot more balanced this time round. For example: To do a ‘Ghost’ and go totally invisible in MW3, it takes two perks slots instead of just the 1 tier slot that Black Ops uses. There is no ’Commando‘ extra long knife lunge perk - Yipee fooking doo! Also, both the ‘Stopping Power’ and ‘Last Stand’ perks have also been changed into ‘one time use only’ Death Streaks. These are activated once the individual has been killed four times in succession - which seems fair enough. The accusation that there is a lack of innovation in MW3 is partly true. For example: the lobby screen is just a different coloured variation of MW2’s. But, in my opinion, Infinity Ward missed a trick with character customisation and a means of targeting, or highlighting, the habitual campers. However, I must say that the introduction of the stacked ‘Support’ kill streaks is pure genius. If nothing else it encourages the lesser talented players {IE: me} to help his, or her, fellow team-mates with rewards that are more of an ‘assisting’ nature. Meantime, for those players who are proficient, finely tuned, pixel murdering machines, the original ‘Kill Streaks’ still do exactly as they say on the tin. Only, this time round, it is a little bit easier, and fairer, to counter some of the more powerful ’air gunner’ type rewards.) 6546 9891.

Modern warfare 3 is boring! There is no way I’m going to play this game continually for any great length of time! Further more, I do not feel inclined to add to Activision’s already bloated bank balance by purchasing any additional map-packs for this game!

6558 1129 4532 4572 (I have heard a few people, including friends, make these statements. I have to say I know exactly where they are coming from. I don’t think MW3 has the certain ‘magic element’ that COD4, Black Ops and MW2 first had - the certain ‘wow factor ‘that can hold an individuals attention for any length of time. There is definitely something missing, but I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what that ’something’ is. Don’t get me wrong, when everything falls into place in MW3, the experience can be rewarding as COD4. But, it does make me wonder whether COD’s Bubble, even though not bust, may have instead developed a slight, but worry - worthy puncture. So, instead of the bubble going ‘POP!’ The air instead may be escaping from Activision’s giant ‘balloon of success’ at a slow, loud, flatulent rate. Who knows, in six months time Activision’s bubble may be well and truly deflated. So, it may feel almost as flat as some of the matches seem now, when the campists are rife, and the lag appears so annoyingly bullet hungry.) 9980 5567.

Modern Warfare ‘Elite’ is a waste of money!

2345 6689 3435 3456 (I can see what Activision were trying to do with Elite, but in typical Activision style, in the first month of activation, they even managed to bugger-up the over-hyped, must have ‘add-on’. Bearing in mind that there was NO Beta public test version for MW3 - and the fact that Activision even refused to publicize any screen shots the lobby; kill streak, perk or death perk screens. The inclusion of Elite, at the excessive cost of £34.99, seems quite breathtakingly cheeky in some respects. What I mean is that if you happened to buy Elite during the weeks leading up to MW3’s release, you were effectively being asked to shell out the best part of £80, without even seeing what you were actually paying for! To simplify my argument to a totally stupid degree, I could say that it was the equivalent of going shopping for tinned food after all the labels have first been removed from all the said tins. Yes, okay, I accept that COD is a proven, nourishing dinner of a game. But, that’s exactly what Activision was so arrogantly relying on - the success of the previous COD franchise. Unfortunately, and this has sadly been the case with so many COD gamers; the blank tins of food that many fans so willingly parted cash for has, in their eyes, turned out to be a can of Pedigree Chum dog’s dinner type of game - rather than the elegant, excellent tin of sweet Caviar they were so eagerly expecting.) 2267.

Modern Warfare 3: it’s just not for me!

3467 9989 4576 2378 (Well, I can understand why it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. In some ways it is absolutely incredible that the game was ever produced in the first place. Right from the start of it’s creation the staff at Infinity Ward were sent into shock when Activision sacked two of ‘Infinities’ founding directors. In the following months after that, a slow, stream of deluded programmers walked away from Activision’s clutches. This left Activision with a major headache, so ‘Sledgehammer’, ‘Treyarch’ and ‘Raven’ programming companies were quickly drafted in to help develop the game. With so many fingers in the pot it is quiet amazing that the game does actually work! Especially since the multiplayer has Treyarch’s grubby little finger prints all over it! Thank God, no one let them get their dirty hands on the weapons, otherwise I would still be waiting to get my first kill! 0988 2376 1288

2276 2276 1243 I think it’s safe to say that for some Fubarians, Black Ops has proven to be an extremely hard act to follow: and for some of us Modern Warfare 3 has failed to match Black Ops’ high-bench mark. As I mentioned before poor old Ruddy is constantly being made match host, and he’s suffering unfairly from the ‘Host lag’ issue. 2678 4356 1172

8890 2113 6549 Craig, says that MW3 is now growing on him. But, I have to say, during the first couple of weeks of it’s release, I believe he would have quite happily used the blue ray disc to scrape the barnacles off an incontinent Elephant’s arse. 2678 4356

0988 2376 1288 Nick, believes in having patience with game. He thinks that it’s only fair to give MW3 time to have all the issues ironed out. But, even after most of the problems have been sorted, Nick is not playing MW3 to the same extent that he used to play Black Ops or MW2. 2345 6689 3435 3456

9990 7213 7362 To my knowledge Jonald, does not have the game, nor has he announced his intention to purchase it in the near future. But, I believe that that’s because of the bad issues he suffered with Black Ops. Because of this, and as far as I know, Jonald has declared that he will never buy another COD game again. 0988 2376 1288

2268 8845 1283 Sean, is floating between both Black Ops and MW3. While Thirklewood, like Nick, does not seem to be on as much as he was when we were all playing Black Ops. 5687 2890 0128

1290 8293 2289 Mr. Bobski (hopefully; fingers, legs, arms and teeth crossed) is getting MW3 for Christmas, as is Mr. Toadie. 2345 6689 3435 3456
2389 0011 4589 Sadly, Brett’s PS3 is experiencing major health issues, but he did mention a couple of weeks ago that the Sexbox360’s version of MW3 has no known serious issues. 2398 9823

3899 5590 2366 For me, MW3 is a bit of a conundrum. I’m enjoying it immensely. Unlike Black Ops, I can actually get kills in this game. The Lag & latency, although present, is not as severe as it is in Black Ops. The Character movement is also better and the weapons are a thousand - correction - a million times better than Black Ops. I also like the fact that it plays faster than Black Ops, and I’m a huge fan of the new Support Kill Streak system. 2388 1177 4368

1277 2678 2255 On the minus side; the spawning is shite. It’s just as bad, if not worse, than Black Ops’, and World at War’s, spawn arrangement. The worst thing of all though is the horrible multiplayer host engine. In my view the ‘peer to peer’ host system has never worked ‘well’ in any of the COD games. I’ve always joked that if Activision ever wanted a company motto then ‘He who has the best connection wins!’ Is really one of the best mantras to consider for that role. Again, returning to the French internet connection point that I made earlier; there appear to be certain individuals who are almost impossible to kill - purely because of their superior internet connections. Granted, the ‘Host Impedance’ system was introduced with the view of neutralising the ‘host’s’ signal, so as to bring their connection into line with the everyone else’s. However, what Infinity Ward / Sledgehammer and Treyarch seem to have forgotten is that the host may have friends, and he may not necessarily be the only one with an exceptionally fast internet connection. Sadly, other than the Host, there has been no attempt to neuter anyone else’s ‘amazingly fast’ signal. If they had done so then an ultra balanced, level playing field could have been created. At the moment we have to dump games just to avoid the huge group of immortal Frenchmen that are now running around owning the game, big-style. 2389 9947 2300

2389 6690 2384 For me the game works, and I am probably finding the MW3 experience more enjoyable than any other Fubarian . But, like I said right at the beginning of this review - I do not want to jinx myself! So, if anyone asks me I would have to say Modern Warfare 3 is complete bucket of turtle shite! (But, I would have my fingers crossed behind my back while I said this). 2345 6689 3435 3456

The big question.

In answer to the question that absolutely no one is asking: ‘Which is the better game Call of Duty MW3 or Battlefield 3?’ The short answer is that ‘game play’ wise I think that it’s a dead heat. Although, I do admit that I prefer Battlefield, simply because there’s hardly any lag on the dedicated servers in comparison to COD’s ’he who has the best connection wins’ peer to peer host service. But, if you’re talking about international sales, and profit, then strictly speaking COD should win it hands down. To actually try and compare the games side by side is wrong.

Given the fact that both games are first person shooters, the ideologies behind them and the way they play are totally different. It would be like comparing fish with underpants. Sure, fish taste fantastic with a pile of chips and mushy peas but you wouldn’t necessarily want them surrounding your man-vegetables would you?

COD is mostly a run-and-gun lone wolf adventure, that occasionally (from a FUBAR point of view) relies on ‘close’ team support. Battlefield 3, on the other hand, is very much a team based game. It’s still perfectly playable with the lone wolf approach, but it is more rewarding for team players. So there you go, without actually going into any great details, or answering any of the far reaching, in depth questions that haven’t been asked by anyone on this page I’ve managed to resolve a burning issue that wasn’t even on fire or smoking. Next week I’ll resolve world peace, famine and pose questions directly to God. Until then I’m going to shout at my PS3 and curse the f*cking , useless lump of walking crap who came up with the idea of ‘peer to peer hosting’ on the COD franchise - may his underpants be of a ‘live shark’ variety...........

MW3: After three night's of playing I’m going straight for the jugular. The MW3 multiplayer system is in desperate need of fixing. At the moment the party gaming experience (for the PS3) is awful. The lag, latency and spawning problems are far worse than in any of the previous COD games. In fact, it is so far behind Black Ops, in both fun and party enjoyment, that MW3 is shaping up to be the poorest relation in comparison to any of the previous COD franchise incarnations - with the possible exception of World of War. It’s true to say that Black Ops suffers from lag, and latency issues, but MW3 is terminally ill with it. I have never known a game to be so laggy as this one. For example, I have been instantly killed by someone scooting from round a corner, sideways on, who was shooting in the completely opposite direction but still managed to wipe me out with just two bullets. All this and I never even had the opportunity to raise my weapon and fire back. In my opinion it’s just far too biased towards the person with the faster internet connection. Without some of these major issues being addressed: the horrendous party match making delay; lag and latency etc. I can see people deserting this game in their droves back it’s uncle: the far superior Call of Duty Black Ops.

However, after saying all that though, there is only one person on this whole planet for whom this game is minutely better online experience than Black Ops. And sadly, that person is me!

I have a 15MB download and only a third of a 1MB upload. Effectively, this means that in the realm of COD ‘peer to peer servers’ I am constantly shooting at shadows. It also means that where I think I’m on the map on my TV is in reality never the same location on everyone else’s console. Basically, this renders all types of cover; buildings, walls, tyres and the dead bodies of other fellow gamers as totally useless objects to hide behind. This is simply because the chances are that I’ve already been killed milli-seconds before I even tried to take cover behind these said objects. It’s a perfectly true and honest statement to say that if I wanted to I could always get British ‘useless’ Telecom to resolve some of the issues by increasing my upload speed and sacrificing some of my download speed. But why should I? It’s only on COD that I suffer so badly with lag. I’m Activision’s customer, and as the old adage states ‘the customer is always right’, only I’m more right than the usual right, so I hope that you get that Activision. Alright!

In Black Ops, because I find the weapons so underpowered - and especially after they altered my beloved AK74U - I ended up playing a totally different online game to everyone else. I was heavily into ‘Count the hit markers’. At first it was a great game. I just had to count how many times I got ‘hit markers’ on my target and then guess how long it would take for them to turn round and wave at me; then pull down their pants down, and give me a quick treat of amble-buttock mooning, before they finally decided to put me out of my misery by shooting me dead with the customary two bullets to my big toe. As I said, at first it’s an absolute corker of a game. But, after a while, I discovered that the longer I played it the more compelled I felt to turn the Black Ops game disc into a novelty pooper-scoop for my cat.

The only difference for me between MW3 and Black Ops is that the weapons - especially the SCAR and MA16 in MW3. These two guns are slightly more powerful than any of the guns in Black Ops. Hence, I may get ‘one or two’ kills extra in a game. But ‘Hay Ho’. ‘One or two’ extra kills is exactly more than the ‘one or two’ kills I was getting in Black Ops in the first place.The long and short of it is this: Black Ops is a far better game. And, in it’s present form, MW3 is an extremely disappointing multiplayer experience. Fix it Activision, and fix it fast!

Shite Poetry Corner.

So a book of poetry, small in size, has won the Costa's booker prize.
There's no plot: no porn, bums nor titties - just pretty little rhyming ditties.
It's not exactly War and Peace but they claim it's still a masterpiece.
But, I don't care for this literary affliction, for poetry's not my choice addiction.
And, although it's just a book of clever prose it won't be allowed in my F**kin House.

Black Ops :(

Yesterday, Tuesday 25th January 2011, Treyarch released patch number 1.06 for Call of Duty Black Ops. What I cannot comprehend, with regards to this game, is why it was released to the general public when it was practically unplayable – well the PS3 version was anyway. Admittedly, the previous patches have fixed the game, somewhat, but it is still lagging, glitching and crashing even with this new 1.06 patch.

I have two theories:- Either Treyarch's programmers' imagination, and vision, outstretched their technical abilities. Or, Treyarch's parent company, Activision, were not willing to part with some of their profits from the previous COD releases to purchase a decent dedicated Server network. The truth is no matter how many patches, fixes and alterations Treyarch make to this game it will not alter the fact that installing dedicated Servers in the first place would have cured possibly 70% of Black Ops problems.
The sad fact is that until there is a change at management level at Activision, the online issues with the Call of Duty franchise will continue with all future COD releases.

Give us dedicated Servers you tight bastards......

The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

OUCH!!!

Last Friday I had a small dental procedure. I don't the technical name, but in lay-man terms it basically involved having my face pulled-off.

It is now Wednesday and I'm still in pain. I'm not a happy bunny. No, I'm a hungry, tired one instead.

I can't sleep, eat or rest properly. And I don't know the nutritional value of Anadin Extra's, but they're the only solid items that I have been able to swallow, and consquently, what I have been surviving on over the last few days.

Hopefully, in a few more days the trembling, and bleeding, will cease and I'll be able to chisel open my gob again...

Experiment Time Again.

Experiment Number 23:

I got the idea for this experiment while perusing the 'rubber glove' section at Tescos. Standing alone in isle 4, my eyes were slowly drawn to the 'washing-up' liquid shelf. Here, I found myself pondering on times gone by. I recalled my youth, and when as a child, there was only one prominent washing-up liquid available for the consumer market – 'the mild green Fairy liquid'.
Today there appears to be a multitude of choice that come in all range of colours, shapes and sizes. I don't know about the cleansing abilities of today's dish-cleaning products, frankly I couldn't give a 'squirrel's cod-piece' about how effective they are at removing jam and crap from dinner-plates. No, my sole interest in washing-up liquid has always been, and always will be, about the flavour - the tasty, yumminess of the product. Fairy liquid was the pick of the crop in the 1960's, 1970's and 1980's. The burning question is – was it still the most appetising on the market?

I left Tescos will an armful of dish-water-soap products and a dogged desire to pursue the answer in a clear and concise, scientific manner.

As a child I drank gallons of the stuff – with no apparent side effects – apart that is, from the odd bubbly, soapy fart. Fairy liquid was the bog standard tool for all jobs. It was a lubricant for squeaky or stiff doors. It was a cheap car shampoo, and when necessary, it was used by my brothers as an inexpensive version of Matey bubble bath and laxative.

Method.

In Tescos I had purchased six bottles of washing-up liquids that are currently the leading brands in this particular market. They were:- Fairy Liquid; Palmolive; Morning Fresh; Afternoon Manky; Grimso and the popular German brand Pisson Der Plate.
I lined up six pint glasses and poured amble measures in each – forty five minutes later I came to in the ambulance.

The Paramedic claimed that it was the first time ever that someone had been sick in his Ambulance and it had actually been cleaner than it had been before the hurling had commenced: he described it as lemony fresh.

The hospital staff, were as ever, extremely pleased to see me again. Doctor Verruca was especially delighted, as I had managed to keep to our agreement about not experimenting with hedge-clippers any more. However, after my last experiment, when I tried to revolutionise the hairdressing industry by cutting my own hair with a blow-torch, the head nurse, Sister Scrotum, was intrigued as to 'what the fook I had been up to this time?'

Result.

Apparently I had 16 pints of washing-up liquid pumped from my stomach: but I was given a clean bill of health afterwards. In fact so clean that my insides are gleaming, fresh, and my intestines are now as soft as my hands. However, on the downside, at the moment I'm having frequent attacks of mild-green-hairy-shit-squitts!

Last night.

Where were you Bobski? It was quiet without you. Mind you, that could have been because Fubar-Glen went off early, Pikeywhykey came on late, and that Gaz_Jooze, Iron_Cross and Toadie234 all had their microphones turned off....They didn't want to talk to me:(

Starting from New.

I have taken the very brave decision to start this blog from a new. I've wiped away all my rants, my wails, my thoughts and ideas. I have erased all my scribblings, photos and pictures.
In short, I am going to start from afresh. So, in the future, any passing bloggist will now sadly never have the pleasure of reading my award winning recipe for 'Hedgehog Cock' soup. Or, read my Pulitzer prize winning article that was written straight after the interview I had with God. Nor will anyone be able to peruse through the vast library of material which detailed my incredible success in achieving international 'World peace and Cheese appreciation'. Sadly, all these records have gone. They have been lost forever in the great, empty cellars of the Internet.

Instead, I plan to write just 'any old shite'.

I promise that from now on that anything I blog will never be as interesting, or as good as all the other articles that I had previously published. I also vow to do away with any gramatical structure or syntax. On my oath I will also try my very best to ignore correct spelling, and further more; I also intend to never bother to be amusing; whimsical or sarcastic.
These are my targets; my goals, my aims for the future - and luckily for me it's a promise that I can easily achieve - unlike that silly idea that I had last summer, about flying to Uranus in a chocolate covered, badger-powered jam-jar........