50 Call of Duty Facts

(1) All the games in the franchise suffer from the curse of ‘Call of Duty’. IE:- Lag!

(2) The inefficiency of Infinity Ward / Treyarch / Raven / Activision / Sledgehammer is always present with regards to their inability to make maps, or incorporate basic measures, that would counter the habitual campers in COD.

(3) There will always be a programmed maximum of 16 players in the multiplayer matches, but one person will always skip out before the match starts.

(4) The audio ‘VOIP’ (voice of internet protocol), will get worse with each passing game. But, the shite-talking idiots, with their irritating high-pitched voices, will annoyingly, always remain to be crystal clear.

(5) There will always be campers (see number 2).

(6) There will always be someone with a microphone who has a barking dog, or screaming child in the background that drowns out all the other people in the match.

(7) It is guaranteed that in every game there will be someone with the name of either:- Killer (followed by name or place); ‘God’ or God of‘ (something), ‘Assassin’ (something or other); ‘Jedi’ ( someone); ‘Lord of’ (something stupid); ‘Warrior’ (somebody); ‘Evil’ (some person); or a combination of letters (small and full caps), numbers and signs that make up amusing swear words.

(8) Also, the bearers of these ferocious sounding names (see above) will usually possess a microphone and be responsible for most of the irritating, high-pitched, squeaky ‘trash talk’ that we hear so frequently in the match lobbies. They will usually be 8, or even 9 years old, and have a selection of their nosiest friends surrounding them while they play.

(9) There will always be a budding D.J in a match who likes to entertain his fellow gamers by playing his music collection. This music will always be loud, and be either: Garage Trash tracks; Hip Hop; Heavy Metal; Rap or Electro Dance Beats and always guaranteed to be shit.

(10) (Further to number 9). Never, in the history of Call of Duty, has anyone bothered to play Grunge Opera; heavy Beethoven; Sound of Music Sound tracks, Barber shop quartets, Wagner choral singing , ‘the greatest hits of Pinky and Perky’ or even Medieval Trappist monk chanting tunes. Will someone please immediately address this musical imbalance !

(11) It is impossible to play three straight games without having to experience the ‘Match Host’ leaving at least once.

(12) The ‘Match Host’ will usually be Ruddy.

(13) If the ‘Match Host’ is not Ruddy it will be the one habitual French person present on the opposing team.

(14) All foreign players of COD are either French, German, French, Spanish, French, Italian or French. Any other foreign player will be Swiss or Polish (but have a either a French Grandmother or French Grandfather).

(15) All French COD players have fantastic game connections - I think this must be down to European Law or something.

(16) All French players are automatically awarded the tenth prestige badge the moment they put the game disc into the PS3 for the first time.

(17) French players are never, ever, ever allowed to lose a match - the God of COD has decreed this!

(18) To gain extra kills, unbelievable accuracy and invincibility during a match just speak in French.

(19) If you’re having problems ‘ranking up’, or if you think it takes far too long to prestige, then just ring up Activision’s headquarters tell them that you’re French and demand to have your complimentary Tenth Prestige badge immediately!

(20) In the lobby, at the beginning of the match, you think the opposition look ‘a bit too hard’
just announce that you’re French then brag about your one million mega-bite optical- laser, Carlos Fandango super fast Internet connection - you’ll clear the lobby in no time!

(21) The guy who is responsible for the peer to peer PS3 match hosting service, is also the very same guy who was reported in the News, in 2005, for cutting thirteen extra holes in his front door when his cat had thirteen kittens. It is also a well known fact that he has no comprehension of meaning for the words ’dedicated’ and ’servers’.

(22) There will always be Lag in COD games. I tried to make this statement in fact number one, but, for some strange reason, there was a huge delay before the words appeared on the screen after I typed them.

(23) Just talking about Call of Duty’s habitual lag causes lag. Fact!

(24) Did I mention the Lag in Call of Duty?

(25) The Lag in Call of Duty causes memory loss!

(26) You cannot fail but notice the amount of Lag in Call of Duty games.

(27) The Lag in Call of Duty is atrocious, I really should have mentioned this before.

(28) The French never, ever suffer from game Lag, or latency, in Call of Duty. Sadly, Lag is a major issue for every other nationality with all Call of Duty games and it is a point that I should really mention in this list of 50 Call of Duty facts.

(29) There are no underage gamers in Call of Duty multiplayer matches! In the history of COD there has never been an underage gamer! And, further more, there never will be! Although, if everyone born after 1994 was to leave the game the servers would be empty, the matches would be quiet, the camping would be non-existent, the glitching would cease, the ‘Trash Talk’ would be comprehensible and the game would be significantly improved. It would however still Lag!

(30) With all Call of Duty games it is guaranteed that after the first day of being released the game will be ‘off line’ for several hours while Activision fix all the bugs, hacks, and glitches, which would have been discovered had a beta version existed.

(31) All of Activision’s staff can trace their family trees to France. The only two employees who can’t are called: ‘Pierre Du Napoleon-Trump’ and ‘Charles De Gaulle-bladder’ - but, amazingly both their husbands are French.

(32) It is inevitable, when making a list of 50 Call of Duty Facts, that despite a bout of ‘winging’ or ‘ad-libbing’ to make up the first twenty facts, everything after number thirty is going require the ‘long handle of the Spoon of Imagination’ to scrape the bottom of the ‘Bullshit-Barrel‘.

(33) In Call of Duty, the ‘Bullshit Barrel’ refers to the number of bullets it takes to kill a member of the opposing team who just happens to live on the outskirts of Paris - or indeed - any other major French city.

(34) No matter how long a kill streak goes on for. Or, how great one is playing, or indeed, how well one may be kicking the collective ass of the opposition, there is nothing more ’off putting’ or humiliating than being killed by one’s own grenade. The grim realisation that the ‘primed grenade’ that you’ve just thrown is not in fact going to go through the window you aimed for, but instead re-bound off the narrowest of window frames straight back you causes instant panic. The sheer horror of this situation is comparable to the terror you feel the second when you discover that after a drunken piss, and a miss-timed dress correctional manoeuvre, your trouser zip is about to devour your man-vegetables. It happens in every COD game and it’s only funny if it happens to someone else.

(35) How come I can get shot, and killed, through the twelve inches of concrete that I’m hiding behind, yet I can’t kill an enemy at point-blank range with a shot to the head when all he’s got is a silly, red, cloth beret for protection? Every COD game follow the misconception that woolly hats have far better ballistic protection than a foot of brick and mortar.

(36) Everyone who plays COD will have a map that they truly detest with a passion. For me, in ‘Black Ops’, it was only every single map. Whereas this time round, in Modern Warfare 3, I don’t detest any particular map - I just hate them all.

(37) Every COD game will allow you to get a ‘headshot’, even when you are inadvertently aiming around the gentleman’s vegetable patch area.

(38) How come, that despite being in the age of equality and human rights, there are no playable female characters or dwarfs in Call of Duty? I reckon that I could scrape at least an extra 12 percent of my Kill to Death ratio if I could play as Gimley, the 3 foot tall killer lesbian! Especially if I was kitted out with my ‘ever so special Call of Duty bullet proof beret‘.

(39) In Modern Warfare 3, the non-Western army side are programmed to say the most random of statements. Two days ago, I swear, I heard the voice-over guy on our side at the start of the match, on the Village Map, say ‘Watch my arse show!’. I heard another say ‘Follow me, I’m Barney Rubble!’ and another say something like: ‘Remember sore balls’ on the Seatown map. What exactly were Activision’s voice-over staff drinking the day when they recorded this shit?

(40) In Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, Village Map, there is a wardrobe on the Southern edge of the Village that lies toppled on it’s side. It’s just by the burnt out petrol truck. If you manage to crawl into it, without being spotted by the habitual snipers that live on this map, then you should emerge on the far side of Narnia.

(41) If you manage to shoot all the chickens in Seatown, within two minutes of the game beginning, you earn the Colonel Saunders, Finger licking, four person fucket badge.

(42) It’s a little known fact that the weapons on ’Black Ops’ are pound for pound, just as crap as the weapons were in ‘World at War‘.

(43) The worst Call of Duty game was the little know ‘Call of Duty my little Pony‘. The idea was to kill as many ghillie-suited, sniper-campers as possible as they snuck around the bushes trying to have a crafty shite. Hence the game’s title ‘My little Pony’ - as in the Cockney ‘Pony and Trap’, which means Crap - which sadly the game inevitably was.

(44) In Call of Duty Modern warfare 4, ‘Joe Pasquale’ was originally hired to be the voice of Sgt. John "Soap" MacTavish, which probably explains why Soap said ‘Fcuk all’ through the entire game.

(45) Here is a little known fact, the clock on the wall, adjacent to the stairs, on the top floor on the main building on the ‘Grid Map’ actually displays the correct time to the players’ gaming region.

(46) The dead cows on the Modern Warfare 2 maps were not real! But it didn’t stop Fubar-Glen from trying to molest them though - the dirty little so and so - I told him as well ’hands off mush - they’re my babies!’

(47) In Black Ops, the truck in front of the main building in the Hanoi Map is a 1965, Romanian Hairie-Va-gina Mk3, which was made the little known ‘Cuntish Brothers’ Ltd. It was a mass produced model throughout the 1960’s along with the twelve wheeled Be-yarded-Clam, and the dangerous three-wheeled monster Muff-Meister. All of these vehicles have the potential to be period models.

(48) In COD4, the guy who pilots the ‘helicopter gunship’ is called Harry Windsor.

(49) The Black Ops PS3 gaming disc is made of Titanium and is virtually impossible to destroy - I know, because I’ve tried!

(50) After reading Fact number 45, what’s the betting that you considered sticking Black Ops in the PS3 and having a quick look at the clock on the Grid map? Well, forget it, I made it up like all the other 48 so called - facts.

Genesis : The untold chapters.

And, it is told that after seven days, when the Lord Almighty had created the Earth and Seas, and all the creatures that creep, crawl and swim about it, God looked upon his work and saw that it was good.

On the Eighth Day, God felt a great ‘knackeration’ come about himself and so he decided to ‘have a bit of me time’. Hence, the Almighty created beer and wine. He also created huge flat-screen, High Definition televisions and the Sony Play station. God looked upon his work and saw that it was good and he cracked open a beer.

On the afternoon of the Eighth Day, God created ‘Resistance Fall of Man’. God saw that it was good so he cracked open another beer to celebrate his great happiness at his achievements.
In the evening of the Eighth Day, God decided it was time to play the multiplayer version of ’Resistance Fall of Man’. But low, God realised that he had not a single friend that he could play with - then he remembered Adam.

God found Adam screwing a unicorn behind a Rhododendron bush in the Garden of Eden. God was greatly annoyed, ’What the flipping heck are you doing to Jeff the Unicorn?’ shouted the Lord Almighty, and with that he rendered a thunderous flash that smitted Jeff the Unicorn, and all his kind, to extinction.
The Lord almighty roared at the man, he said ’ Adam, t’was it not for that fact that you have a plausible thumb, and hence capable of operating a PS3 controller, I would have rendered your dirty, fat arse to oblivion instead of Jeff, you filthy, little pervert!’
And Adam was confused for he knew not what the Lord was saying to him, for he was simple man whose brain was camped in a dark corner of his head.

The Lord Almighty lead Adam out of the garden of Eden into the Boudoir of Eden, where God had set up his PS3 and laid lots of wine and ale. And hence, it was in this place that the Lord God taught Adam how to play on the PS3.

On the evening of the Eighth Day, God looked upon his world and he was happy, for he had gained a mighty score as he had verily kicked Adam’s arse all over the Somerset map; plus, he had earned a four to one Kill to Death ratio in the process.

On the Ninth Day, God and Adam created the ‘Hangover’ - and they did nothing much until evening when they doth create the ’hair of the dog’ and verily they became ’rat arsed’.

At some point in time, between the Ninth and Tenth days, God had became hungry and he created ‘Curry‘, although there was a great haze in God’s memory to these events. On the morning of the Tenth Day, God awoke and was extremely vexed, when staggering about the Garden of Eden, he found that there were great number of empty beer cans littered about Eden’s magnificent shrubberies. God also noted that some ‘mucky so and so’ had vomited huge quantities of ‘curry’ all over the tree of knowledge. Not only that, the same dirty little hooligan had also been copiously sick all over the front of God’s most favourite silk pyjamas whilst the Lord Almighty himself had been sleeping.
God was annoyed and decided that someone needed to be punished. Turning a corner the Lord found two dinosaurs silently drinking water at the pond of life - he sent a few million, billion, trillion, lightening volts up the arses of these said dinosaurs and hence rendered their species extinct. 'Result!' said the Lord Almight.

On the Evening of the Tenth day, God created ‘Call of Duty 4’ and he saw that it was good. Although the single player campaign was tad dodgy, and the lack of dedicated servers was slightly worrying. However, it is fair to say that after fifteen cans of beer, by then, as far as God was concerned, he really couldn’t give a shit.

On the morning of the Eleventh Day, there was a mighty roar that filled the skies of both Heaven and Earth. It could be heard all through the four corners of God’s creation and was so loud and mighty that all the Mermaids, that dwelt in the far reaches of the oceans, collapsed and died of shock, hence rendering their species extinct.

The heavy roaring continued all through the morning and most of the afternoon, until the Lord Almighty could take no more. Turning to the man known as Adam, the Lord Almighty did shout: ’ADAM, YOU TOSSER! STOP BLOODING CAMPING IN THE BUILDINGS!’

God, was greatly annoyed, and when he caught Adam camped on a barrel in the corner of a room for the umpteenth time, he threw his controller to the floor and kicked Adam’s arse so hard that Adam flew straight out of the window of the Boudoir of Eden. He then continued his journey of flight over the wall of the Garden of Eden, and verily out of the Garden of Eden’s air space and a thousand miles beyond the realm of Eden.
Eventually Adam landed somewhere in France or ‘Camping Bastard Land’ as God hence called it from that that day forth.

And, it was so, that the Lord God Almighty was so vexed, and annoyed, that he decided to get ‘completely rendered‘. But, let it be told, that once he hath sobered up, and he discovers what Activision hath done to his precious game; and, when he also learns that the internet connection in ’Camping Bastard Land’ is so much better than everywhere else, then one would not like to be in the shoes of the perpetrators of all these evils…….