Genesis : The untold chapters.

And, it is told that after seven days, when the Lord Almighty had created the Earth and Seas, and all the creatures that creep, crawl and swim about it, God looked upon his work and saw that it was good.

On the Eighth Day, God felt a great ‘knackeration’ come about himself and so he decided to ‘have a bit of me time’. Hence, the Almighty created beer and wine. He also created huge flat-screen, High Definition televisions and the Sony Play station. God looked upon his work and saw that it was good and he cracked open a beer.

On the afternoon of the Eighth Day, God created ‘Resistance Fall of Man’. God saw that it was good so he cracked open another beer to celebrate his great happiness at his achievements.
In the evening of the Eighth Day, God decided it was time to play the multiplayer version of ’Resistance Fall of Man’. But low, God realised that he had not a single friend that he could play with - then he remembered Adam.

God found Adam screwing a unicorn behind a Rhododendron bush in the Garden of Eden. God was greatly annoyed, ’What the flipping heck are you doing to Jeff the Unicorn?’ shouted the Lord Almighty, and with that he rendered a thunderous flash that smitted Jeff the Unicorn, and all his kind, to extinction.
The Lord almighty roared at the man, he said ’ Adam, t’was it not for that fact that you have a plausible thumb, and hence capable of operating a PS3 controller, I would have rendered your dirty, fat arse to oblivion instead of Jeff, you filthy, little pervert!’
And Adam was confused for he knew not what the Lord was saying to him, for he was simple man whose brain was camped in a dark corner of his head.

The Lord Almighty lead Adam out of the garden of Eden into the Boudoir of Eden, where God had set up his PS3 and laid lots of wine and ale. And hence, it was in this place that the Lord God taught Adam how to play on the PS3.

On the evening of the Eighth Day, God looked upon his world and he was happy, for he had gained a mighty score as he had verily kicked Adam’s arse all over the Somerset map; plus, he had earned a four to one Kill to Death ratio in the process.

On the Ninth Day, God and Adam created the ‘Hangover’ - and they did nothing much until evening when they doth create the ’hair of the dog’ and verily they became ’rat arsed’.

At some point in time, between the Ninth and Tenth days, God had became hungry and he created ‘Curry‘, although there was a great haze in God’s memory to these events. On the morning of the Tenth Day, God awoke and was extremely vexed, when staggering about the Garden of Eden, he found that there were great number of empty beer cans littered about Eden’s magnificent shrubberies. God also noted that some ‘mucky so and so’ had vomited huge quantities of ‘curry’ all over the tree of knowledge. Not only that, the same dirty little hooligan had also been copiously sick all over the front of God’s most favourite silk pyjamas whilst the Lord Almighty himself had been sleeping.
God was annoyed and decided that someone needed to be punished. Turning a corner the Lord found two dinosaurs silently drinking water at the pond of life - he sent a few million, billion, trillion, lightening volts up the arses of these said dinosaurs and hence rendered their species extinct. 'Result!' said the Lord Almight.

On the Evening of the Tenth day, God created ‘Call of Duty 4’ and he saw that it was good. Although the single player campaign was tad dodgy, and the lack of dedicated servers was slightly worrying. However, it is fair to say that after fifteen cans of beer, by then, as far as God was concerned, he really couldn’t give a shit.

On the morning of the Eleventh Day, there was a mighty roar that filled the skies of both Heaven and Earth. It could be heard all through the four corners of God’s creation and was so loud and mighty that all the Mermaids, that dwelt in the far reaches of the oceans, collapsed and died of shock, hence rendering their species extinct.

The heavy roaring continued all through the morning and most of the afternoon, until the Lord Almighty could take no more. Turning to the man known as Adam, the Lord Almighty did shout: ’ADAM, YOU TOSSER! STOP BLOODING CAMPING IN THE BUILDINGS!’

God, was greatly annoyed, and when he caught Adam camped on a barrel in the corner of a room for the umpteenth time, he threw his controller to the floor and kicked Adam’s arse so hard that Adam flew straight out of the window of the Boudoir of Eden. He then continued his journey of flight over the wall of the Garden of Eden, and verily out of the Garden of Eden’s air space and a thousand miles beyond the realm of Eden.
Eventually Adam landed somewhere in France or ‘Camping Bastard Land’ as God hence called it from that that day forth.

And, it was so, that the Lord God Almighty was so vexed, and annoyed, that he decided to get ‘completely rendered‘. But, let it be told, that once he hath sobered up, and he discovers what Activision hath done to his precious game; and, when he also learns that the internet connection in ’Camping Bastard Land’ is so much better than everywhere else, then one would not like to be in the shoes of the perpetrators of all these evils…….